Pain

Mom and I were talking about something the other day, and somehow, we said something and she said, "I'm not some sick person, I don't enjoy pain!"
I came back with, "Are you calling me a sick person because I like pain?"
I didn't mean that I actually liked pain, but when I got to thinking about it, maybe I do.
That's why I get pierced. That's why I turned to cutting. Drinking, smoking, doing drugs. That's why I would let people hurt me. That's why I would take a hit. That's why I would allow anyone to push me around. The outcome of all of that-pain.
Why do I enjoy pain?
Not long before this, Steph and I were talking about how stubborn I am, and how I shouldn't resist. When this conversation of pain came up, she says, "This is why you resist everything! You like the pain of it!"

This hit deep.

No one likes pain. No one enjoys pain, whether it be physical or emotional. But thinking deeply about this, I do.
I, Melodie Pruitt, enjoy pain.
I like hurting myself, but I can't stand hurting other people.
Maybe this is why, after all the hurt I have been through, I'm still able to be open with people. I'm okay with sharing my heart. I expect people to throw it back in my face. I expect to be hurt. And when I met many of the people I met, and shared what I did, they did nothing but rejoice because I am changed.
I am changed.
And still I continue to resist, and cause pain for myself. No, I'm not cutting myself or anything like that. But I'm purposely holding back, and hurting myself emotionally and spiritually.
I'm refusing to do what I love, because it hurts. I am refusing to take risks, because it hurts. I am refusing to face things, because the hurt is greater that way. I am shutting down, because it hurts more that way. I am disappointing people, because it hurts more that way.
Do you understand how unhealthy I am right now?
I am seeing this just now. I am only realizing these things just now. I didn't think I was going to blog, because I had nothing to say. But now I am here, writing out my thought process.
Realizing this, I want to change. I want to change this longing and desire and pleasure for hurt. I can only do this through God.
He is revealing so much in me through the people around me. Through Chris's teaching, my Mom's words, and Stephanie's mind, I am seeing THIS. Why? Because God wants it to change. This is not only me that wants things to be different, this is God. I am going to change, because I have faith that through God, I can do all things.
This doesn't make me any less afraid of what's coming for me through this.
I am still discovering who I am. I am still discovering my purpose. All I know is that I am meant to be behind a camera. My place of worship is behind a camera. And I know it's not God's plan for me to shut down every time I am given an opportunity. And so I'm going to have to face some hard things, and change some hard things, because I know this is what God wants for me. He wants me to learn, and shutting down is doing nothing.
I will not let pain control my life.

p.s. My youth group is going to Honduras this Summer. Talking to Taylor about it, I feel a longing to go.