Thursday, January 28, 2010

Abortion In A Pill

This morning, I came out of my bedroom after reading a very tough section of the book "Captivating", to find Nikki watching t.v. You see, I'm generally not a t.v. person. I don't like watching it, because I find most of it to be repulsive (besides the occasional episode of 'The Office' or 'Biggest Loser', of course). But, it was on, so I sat down, and watched some 'Ripley's Believe It Or Not' and 'Everybody Hates Chris'. Nikki hands over the remote to me, and says, "I'm gunna go get ready." Not really thinking, I left the remote on the arm of the chair, and continued watching.
It came to a commercial.
A woman sits up in bed (alone, might I add), while another, and another, and another appear doing the same thing. The voice in the background says something along the lines of, "Don't stress about the morning after unprotected sex, all you need is a Plan B."
Plan B. One-Step.
"Plan B One-Step is the only emergency contraceptive that is just one pill. All other products rely on two pills that must be taken 12 hours apart. It is a back-up method of preventing pregnancy-and is not for routine use. It can reduce the chance of pregnancy when taken as directed up to 72 hours (3 days) after unprotected sex (if your regular birth control method fails, or if you've had sex without birth control)."
Okay. So THIS is what we've come to.
Sex outside of marriage-alllll over the place. One night stands. Waking up alone.

Although I know Steph's heard this a lot, haha, this upsets me. Truly.
Our world has come to something like this. I see this as abortion in one pill. One simple, easy pill, so you don't have to stress the morning after.
Guess what would be much easier? Not having sex.
I don't even know what to say about this, to be honest.
God planned sex to be inside of marriage. When you're married, you shouldn't be super worried about having kids, because it's bound to happen.
The fact that I'm seeing this ON T.V., the fact that I am seeing this happen right before my eyes, breaks my heart.
How many people take advantage of something like this, over and over again? It's just all the more reason to have unprotected sex, and have "nothing to worry about". I mean, there's always a plan b!
I break at the thought of this. The thought of having just another reason to live in sin. It's okay to live in sin, because there's always an answer...a plan B!
Satan has such a hold on everything right now. SO much of our society has been captured into Satan's lies and illusions. Men and women are selling themselves short. Babies are murdered for no reason except for being "unwanted". Marriages are falling apart.
You know what's hard for me to handle? I was a part of this. I am a part of this.
I still am living in sin, even when sometimes, I don't realize it.
Although I may not be doing some things we think of as "not as bad", God considers all sin to be equal. And when I am sinning, I am not only hurting myself, I am breaking God's heart.

I don't know where this blog is going....

Tuesday, January 26, 2010

Pain

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Mom and I were talking about something the other day, and somehow, we said something and she said, "I'm not some sick person, I don't enjoy pain!"
I came back with, "Are you calling me a sick person because I like pain?"
I didn't mean that I actually liked pain, but when I got to thinking about it, maybe I do.
That's why I get pierced. That's why I turned to cutting. Drinking, smoking, doing drugs. That's why I would let people hurt me. That's why I would take a hit. That's why I would allow anyone to push me around. The outcome of all of that-pain.
Why do I enjoy pain?
Not long before this, Steph and I were talking about how stubborn I am, and how I shouldn't resist. When this conversation of pain came up, she says, "This is why you resist everything! You like the pain of it!"

This hit deep.

No one likes pain. No one enjoys pain, whether it be physical or emotional. But thinking deeply about this, I do.
I, Melodie Pruitt, enjoy pain.
I like hurting myself, but I can't stand hurting other people.
Maybe this is why, after all the hurt I have been through, I'm still able to be open with people. I'm okay with sharing my heart. I expect people to throw it back in my face. I expect to be hurt. And when I met many of the people I met, and shared what I did, they did nothing but rejoice because I am changed.
I am changed.
And still I continue to resist, and cause pain for myself. No, I'm not cutting myself or anything like that. But I'm purposely holding back, and hurting myself emotionally and spiritually.
I'm refusing to do what I love, because it hurts. I am refusing to take risks, because it hurts. I am refusing to face things, because the hurt is greater that way. I am shutting down, because it hurts more that way. I am disappointing people, because it hurts more that way.
Do you understand how unhealthy I am right now?
I am seeing this just now. I am only realizing these things just now. I didn't think I was going to blog, because I had nothing to say. But now I am here, writing out my thought process.
Realizing this, I want to change. I want to change this longing and desire and pleasure for hurt. I can only do this through God.
He is revealing so much in me through the people around me. Through Chris's teaching, my Mom's words, and Stephanie's mind, I am seeing THIS. Why? Because God wants it to change. This is not only me that wants things to be different, this is God. I am going to change, because I have faith that through God, I can do all things.
This doesn't make me any less afraid of what's coming for me through this.
I am still discovering who I am. I am still discovering my purpose. All I know is that I am meant to be behind a camera. My place of worship is behind a camera. And I know it's not God's plan for me to shut down every time I am given an opportunity. And so I'm going to have to face some hard things, and change some hard things, because I know this is what God wants for me. He wants me to learn, and shutting down is doing nothing.
I will not let pain control my life.

p.s. My youth group is going to Honduras this Summer. Talking to Taylor about it, I feel a longing to go.

Thursday, January 21, 2010

The Lost Son

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Imagine this with me.
An old man, sitting on his front porch. Wrinkles cover his face and hands-stories only he can tell. Servants are hustling and bustling around them, but he pays them no mind. He simply sits in his rocker, and watches. His eyes stare blankly into the distance, but no one can really know what He is looking at, what is reeling in his mind.

He sits up suddenly, a twinkle in his eye. The servants turn, and see what he is looking at. There is a man in the distance. "I know that walk-is it him? Is that my boy?"

The man in the distance is filled with shame. He is about to face a man he didn't expect to face. He asked for his inheritance, basically saying, "Father, you mean nothing to me, all I want from you is your money." He has nothing to show for what he's done, he has nothing. Instead of going out and doing something great with the money he received, he squandered it. All he wants is forgiveness.

The man on the porch leaps to his feet. "That's my boy!" he yells out. He runs to his son, and throws his arms around him. Before the son is even able to say his apologies, his father kisses him and holds him. The son finally chokes out, "I'm sorry. I am not worthy. I'm sorry." The Father shushes him, "Prepare the finest meal we have!" He gives him the family ring. "You were dead, and now you are alive. Let us celebrate."

Now you can imagine how the servants and other brother are feeling. "You should punish him, for what he has done," I imagine them saying. But he simply shoos them away, and continues on.
There is no love greater than this.
Before the son choked out his apologies, the father has forgiven him. Before the son has had a chance to change himself, the father prepares a feast for him.
When I think of God, this is what I want to think of. I want to think of that old man on the porch, waiting for my return. I want to think of the leap he takes off the porch, as he runs to me and kisses me.
God is a God of mercy.
God is a God of forgiveness.
God is a God of love.
And I know that when I came walking back towards Him, He did nothing but grab me, and kiss me, and prepare a feast for me.
Because now, I am alive.
Now, I am found.

20So he got up and went to his father.
"But while he was still a long way off, his father saw him and was filled with compassion for him; he ran to his son, threw his arms around him and kissed him.
21"The son said to him, 'Father, I have sinned against heaven and against you. I am no longer worthy to be called your son.'
22"But the father said to his servants, 'Quick! Bring the best robe and put it on him. Put a ring on his finger and sandals on his feet. 23Bring the fattened calf and kill it. Let's have a feast and celebrate. 24For this son of mine was dead and is alive again; he was lost and is found.' So they began to celebrate.

-Luke 15:20-24

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

Creative Impulse

What is it that causes us to be everything that we are?
Human Nature is so overwhelming, fighting with who my body wants me to be, and who my heart knows I'm meant to be.
I am a human. My first reaction is generally the worst-I'm working on it, I am.
With the help of God, I am able to say, "I am forgiven."

creative
- [kree-ey-tiv]–adjective
1.having the quality or power of creating.
im⋅pulse- /ˈɪmpʌls/–noun
1.sudden, involuntary inclination prompting to action: to be swayed by impulse.


My first reaction lately-creative impulse.
My sudden, involuntary inclination to have the quality or power of creating.
God made me this way for a reason, and I am ready to embrace it.
When I'm upset, my first reaction, is to photograph something that will stir my emotions to a different place. Create something I will be proud of.
God wants me to be this way. And when words fail me-such as now, I will be able to express it differently.
Whether it be photography or something different.

Sunday, January 17, 2010

His Will, His Plan

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Ridiculous amounts of things are piling on top of each other, and I'm being crushed between these weights, and it's hard to breah.
I am okay with this.

Everything about my life was about running away. I've never been able to face things. If you haven't noticed, I avoid games at all costs, because I only remember ending up fighting while playing games with the family. I don't like small devotion groups, because our family fought with each other through each question and each page. I avoid certain music, certain people, certain places. Why?
Because I am too afraid to face the pain of healing. The thing is, that pain is so much smaller than the pain of running away.
When Taylor left, I wanted to cut off everything. I wanted to continue my time with people for as long as I could, because I knew as soon as I was alone, I would break. My first reaction would have been to avoid the hurt, and not figure out where it was coming from.
When Alyssa got married, I told Chris, "Things will be better when her stuff is all moved out, so then I don't have to think about it." I wasn't going to approach anyone with the hurt that I felt for her not wanting me to be there. I was planning on holding it over her head, because I was scared.
When things came up with someone, my first reaction was to panic, and run away. (This is becoming a pattern...) I didn't want to face the hurt I was about to endure, and inflict. I knew it would hurt both of us, but in order for us to grow, I needed to make sure things were over.
I have yet to do this, because I am continually running away.
When Taylor left, instead of running away, I sought God. God spoke to me, and showed me things were okay. Because although I miss him, Taylor was not leaving me. He was pursuing a path of righteousness, and doing exactly what God wants him to do.
When Alyssa got married, instead of running away, I was honest with my feelings. I allowed myself to break down. (When I went to brush my teeth the first morning, and I saw her toothbrush was gone, I BROKE.) I was honest with my feelings, and was freed. She explained her side, and I saw it in a different way, so as not to be upset about it. Instead of holding it over her head, she'll see in her own time, and I will continue to LOVE HER with all I am. Because she's my sister, and that's how it is supposed to be.
With the other situation, I'm still working on it. I think God has piled all of this onto me, because He knows I run away. He knows the hiding place I run to. And instead of waiting for me to see him, He finds me in that place, and pulls me out of it. Eventually, I will be able to face things head on, without fear. But right now, I'm still learning, God is still breaking me.
All I know is, I'm following His will and His plan.

Friday, January 15, 2010

I Love You Enough To Let You Go

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Nobody said this was easy....
My mind is overwhelmed. As if a volcano has erupted in my head, and none of my holes are letting it out.
This is good, and this is bad.
I claim to be fine with change. Truth is, I lied.
One last hug before he leaves. I am filled with an overwhelming desire to not let him go. Each hug springs a new burning in my nose. I told myself I wouldn't cry. I lied. My tears filled up and I would not let them spill over. He's going for God, and His glory. God wants him there, needs him there. Let him go. What a strong impact he's had on my life, and I've only known him for a few months. God is in this man-there is no denying that. My feet begin to move slower as I take it all in. His hugs to his family breaks me. We move to the second level to watch him walk out. There he is. Avoiding us all, because he's trying to avoid the tears that would come with it. God, he's in Your hands now. Your will be done. Keep him safe. A tear falls as he walks through the gate. My heart hurts.
I love you enough to let you go.
God loves.
God loves.
God loves.
There is no way to explain the vast expanse of love He has for us as human beings. The love we feel for the people we love the most...that's nothing compared to His love. God loves us so much, He will take us back when we deny Him. He loves us so much, He gave His son for us. He loves us so much, that He gives each and every one of us a second chance.
I'm going through SO much right now. So much learning that is going on. So much renewing and restoring. My heart is completely different than it was even 4 months ago. It hurts. As a human being, I am hurt by people leaving me, whether their intention is to leave or not. But as a Godly woman, I am unafraid for what is to come. I know He has extravagant plans for each person, as long as we are able to listen and hear where He is calling us to go, and to be.
My whole everything hurts.
But guess what?
It's the best hurt I've experienced.
I am hurting for my Jesus, who died upon the cross for my ugliness, for my sins.

Wednesday, January 13, 2010

Together

Last night. Beginning with an awkward group. Moving on to talking about pranks. Ending with worship.
There is nothing more beautiful than this.
How are we, as human beings, loved by God? I am still unable to understand. I never will, because God is God.
Sitting there, I became overwhelmed with desire. Desire for the exact thing we were doing in that moment. How many times at church, am I able to worship without worrying about judgment from others? How many times am I moved to tears by the songs being played? How many times do the people in the church say, "This is what's weighing on my heart. Pray for me." "I am broken. Pray for me."
At church, I am unable to be a 15-year-old, and be treated the same by twenty-somethings. I am unable to share my heart, with people at the church. I feel as if at church, in a church building, there is no depth.
What if this is exactly what God wanted for us? What if He simply wanted us to gather, so we are able to grow? Yes, we have all stumbled. Yes, we have all been picked up. But I am unable to tell you someone who I know better than these people. Even people I have known for years.
The best part about this, is we are HUGE. We are not just a set group of people. People come and go, and we love them the same. Because God is in this. We are not a "group". We are not a "clique". Yes, some are closer than others, but that will happen in any amount of people you get together. Like I said, people come, people go. And God is in this.
The worship that happened in that room caused a commotion in Heaven. Each one of us were worshipping with everything we had. God was in that room, and he had nothing to do but smile.
I've never had honest people in my life. It's always been a face they put on so other people can't see through them. My heart does not belong to people, it belongs to God. In order for me to grow, I need to be around people who understand that this is what is supposed to happen, and supposed to be. God wants us to be together. Worship together. Ask hard questions together.
Last night, we were able to talk about things weighing on our hearts. There is nothing more beautiful to me than this.
We did not bring ourselves together-He did.

Tuesday, January 12, 2010

Better With Words

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You know what I've realized?
I have a hundred HUGE walls that I have yet to break through.
Yesterday, we talked about my photography, and the heart behind it. I panicked, because I hate sharing my heart with someone. I hate sharing my heart with someone. I didn't even know this. I had NO idea that I was so scared to show people who I am.
But when the conversation came up, of what I felt in a certain moment, I was afraid to say it, because I was afraid of getting hurt. Not that these people would hurt me, but that it's happened so many other times in my life.
My heart has been broken by things of this world far too many times. I show myself and who I am through my pictures. When it comes to talking about feelings, it freaks me out. Why? Because I am filled to the top with emotions. My emotions are ENORMOUS, because I tend to put my heart into everything. So when someone asks me to explain and share what this means to me, what I wish I could have done different, I froze up.
I wish I was better with words.

Monday, January 11, 2010

Fear


Moving always puts me in the worst mood. People's enormous amounts of crap, moving into enormous new houses. Really? Honestly? It drives me nuts. My heart just does all these stupid things, I dunno. It makes me think about how weak we are as humans. How we are so unable to rely on anything but ourselves. It breaks me heart, how we can do nothing but piles our piles higher, filling empty spaces in our houses as if that will actually help fill the gaping holes in our hearts. No words explain how desperately that breaks me. How many times fo I use stuff as a filler, to fill holes, satisfy my eyes, my physical desires. Which brings me to my next point.

I want to mission. I want to pack all my stuff into a suitcase, a purse, and a camera bag, and have everything I own in there. Beauty is not found in physical things. Holes are not filled with physical things. God does that. I want to change who I am, and I want to change who I was becoming. I want to solely rely on God and only God. I want to become everything he wants me to be.

Going to Taylor's house, with the whole family and family friends praying over him leaving, I am torn to my knees. I am broken, seeing something like that happen. I want to go. I want to go and go and go. But guess what? I don't know if I could. I am afraid I cannot wait for the very day I am able to go away from my family, away from my home, away from everything I've known. How am I able to drop everything and go exactly where I am called to go? I may be afraid, but afraid because it is something new. It will not be something that I am too afraid to do, but something I go with a full heart, a strong heart, a ready heart. I will no longer rely on people for my happiness or things of pleasure. I will solely rely on God.

Going to Taylor's house again, and talking about how God brought us all together. I was so broken and alone, and God used these people to show me what it's like to live for God and only God. He used these people to show me how to dive into everything that He is. I am unable to forget the very day I met each person, and I am unable to explain the way that God has used them for me. Seeing people cry because they will have a family who is prayed over. Seeing people cry because the bitter-sweet travels of a close friend and brother. There is nothing more beautiful than people coming together, and bowing their heads before God of all.

Coming home to the note on the table, and placing the cd in the cd player, I fall on my knees and ask God why. But I know this is not God's doing, this is my own. I am reminded of that far too often, that I have done this to myself. I have let fear drive my very being. Up to the point of breaking someone completely. I pray only that he is able to see the good from this, and he is able to rely on God and not me. I am not who he is made to love, I am not the reason for his smiles, and I refuse to take on that role.

I have been driven by fear, to my very core.

I fell on my face, while Stephanie and Nikki prayed over me. I could do nothing but weep uncontrollably. Because I am such a broken human. My sins are so great, and it just weighed on me then in that moment. I am full of so many sins, and it broke me to my core.

I cried out to God, my eyes lifted towards Him-

You have a plan. I will do nothing to get in the way of that. My fear is nothing in comparison to your power. Make me use this situation for your glory. Help him to see the reason, and rely on you for his happiness. God, destroy this fear in my heart, and allow me to live completely for you. Glorify this situation, God.



It continues to amaze me how I react in these situations. I am stronger than I think. I am not afraid to trip sometimes, because God is here to catch me.

Wednesday, January 6, 2010

Words Cannot Describe

I've been thinking about this a lot.
There is NO way to describe God. The way He has saved me, healed me, loved me, repaired me. All the time, I am thinking to myself, "WOW. God, you are SO good." But the word "good" does not even begin to describe it. I move onto words like, "incredible, amazing, beyond understanding" and they still are not enough. Even if someone were to use the most extravagant words, they would not be able to describe God.
Usually, I am a very describing person. I like to see things, and know how they are. I use my words to describe something, and make it alive for someone. I use my camera so that someone can be there in the moment, and know the feelings I and other people were feeling. But with God, I am not able to do so.
And guess what? I'm okay with that. Anything else, it would drive me nuts. But with this, it's so different. I can learn so many new things about Him, I can use all the greatest most beautiful words that I know and even don't know, and yet, He does not compare to that.
Think about that.
God does not compare to the greatest words we can say.
God does not compare to the greatest feelings we feel.
WOW. This woos me to my face, you guys. I've felt some pretty extreme feelings, and God does not compare to that.
I've tried, to come up with words that could describe it, photos that could make you see. But the thing is, I'm putting Him down by using these words.
WHAT?!
I have ceased to believe that words cannot describe. As a human being, I am physically unable to know the extent of who God is. I am limited to these tiny feelings that I feel here on Earth. And I am stupid to the ways of God, and the extent of Him.
les mots ne peuvent pas décrire.

Tuesday, January 5, 2010

Who Is God?


Lately, I've been asking myself this question-
Who is God?
Yes, He is the Alpha and Omega, the First and the Last, the Beginning and the End. You know the stuff.
But to me--who is God?
I began to list words.
Creator, healer, renewer, savior, romancer, unrelenting, forgiving, love.
I feel like God is different through each and every person. Some people find God through a tough situation, some people find Him when they hit rock bottom, and some people just always knew Him. Although God is one, He is something to everyone.
Who is God to me?
God is my creator. He created me to be exactly who I am. I might have made some incredibly stupid decisions, but He used them to make me all the more beautiful. He molded me in my Mother's womb, and made me EXACTLY how He wants me to be.
God is my healer. I was sick. Deathly ill. I knew nothing except for things to destroy me. God mended my wounds, put casts on my broken bones. But most of all, he healed my heart. I am beyond filled with joy to say I am healed.
God is a renewer. He took everything I used to know and completely erased it from my life. Like I said, I feel as if I am a newborn, learning how to use words and eat meat. God renewed my life. Completely.
God is my savior. SAVIOR. I don't have much to say about this. I am saved. I feel like he's the ultimate super-hero in my life.
God is a romancer. He has wooed me to my knees. He knows exactly how to get me to fall heels over head in love with Him. He knows how to make me fully rely on Him, and there is nothing else I can do. I am complete, because God has romanced me.
God is unrelenting. I always think of the song, "You Won't Relent" when I think of this word. To this day, God has continued to break me. There is no way in heck he is going to allow me to skip over fears or brokenness. He will not relent until he has it all.
God is forgiving. It is completely impossible for me to understand how He has been able to forgive me. I think about every single time I told him I hated him, I remember each time he held his arms open to me, and I punched him in the gut. I can name every time. And yet, He was still there. He never left me, He was simply waiting for the perfect time.
God is love. God is love. God is love.
I never thought that I would be able to experience love as I am now. Each day is a new experience. I am able to love people because of Him. I am able to allow myself to be loved because of Him. I am able to feel His love when I am afraid. I don't know how to explain this. But to me, God is love. And there is no other way to explain that.

Sunday, January 3, 2010

Because God Broke Me

You know what I have begun to realize? Nothing is about me.
I don't take beautiful pictures. I do not do anything. God is doing it all.
My life is not my own. I do not make plans for my life, I don't figure things out. God does it.

I am in love with God. I need to fall more in love with God.
Think of this-
God gave me His only son. He gave Him to us, so that we can be forgiven. Jesus gave up His life for me, a human being, who has done nothing but disappoint God time and time again.
Now is my time.

I owe God my life. I owe Him every ounce I have. He created me, to love Him, and to be with Him. And what did I do? I went out, and did everything I was told not to. I disobeyed my parents, I used my body for things that they shouldn't be used for, I treated myself like crap. And God found me.
Can you believe that?
I was broken, I was hurt, I was used, I was nothing. God found me.
I hurt God. It breaks me to think about that. I broke God's heart. Every time that I ran away from Him, He was hurt and broken. He does this all the time, but to think about ME, my very self, breaking God's heart, that brings me to tears. That hurts.

I have had enough of thinking about me. I am finished doing MY plan, doing what I want, and following my head.
My head tells me to fall in love with someone. My head tells me to leave. My head tells me to do whatever the heck I want.
Guess what? My head is not what I need to be thinking with, I need to be thinking with my heart. God is in my heart, and my heart is what is continuing to bring me closer to Him and His plan for me.
My life has been one big huge mess. Know why? Because I have done everything according my plan, and what I want done. My dreams have only caused me to get farther and farther from God. They got me to accept "just one drink" as okay. They got me to accept "just one smoke" as okay. They got me to accept "just one drug" as okay. They got me to accept "he loves me, he cares about me, you just need to show him" as okay.
My plans have screwed me up.
As soon as I was rid of my pride, and able to accept that there is something better for me, my life is changed.
I am breaking for what breaks God. My eyes have been opened up to what God sees. God is using me for great things.
I have to live with my mistakes everyday.
But my past is not a place of residence, it is a place of reference. I will not go back there.
Every once in a while, I get down about things, about how I wish I was doing this instead of that. That instead of this.
And then I remember where that got me.
I am a broken person.
Like a piece of paper that has been crumpled, I will never be completely flattened out again.
But I am happy now. I am in love with my Father. I am filled with the greatest amount of joy because of the simplest things.
Why?
Because God broke me.

Saturday, January 2, 2010

I've never met someone with the passion that I have.
God, photos, watching, waiting, enoying. I feel like maybe there is so much more to this than I can imagine.
I never thought I would meet someone with the passion that I have.
The excitement, the joy, that comes from the moments when you capture that perfect picture, that perfect moment. Not only this, but the realization that this talent came from God. You can do everything you can to be a "good photographer", but in the end, God is going to provide for you. Until I gave my life up to God, I had nothing, I was nothing. And now I am out of orbit with the opportunities He's handing to me, on a silver platter.
God has provided me with someone who has the same passion as I do.
And it's incredible, what God is teaching me through him.
I think it's very possible that my brain has been fed to someone on a platter.
and they scarfed it up, and digested it, and now it is no more.
He is overwhelming beautiful to me, and the ways He is pulling my heart in so many different directions.
Why was I not living for Him before?