Sunday, January 17, 2010

His Will, His Plan

Ridiculous amounts of things are piling on top of each other, and I'm being crushed between these weights, and it's hard to breah.
I am okay with this.

Everything about my life was about running away. I've never been able to face things. If you haven't noticed, I avoid games at all costs, because I only remember ending up fighting while playing games with the family. I don't like small devotion groups, because our family fought with each other through each question and each page. I avoid certain music, certain people, certain places. Why?
Because I am too afraid to face the pain of healing. The thing is, that pain is so much smaller than the pain of running away.
When Taylor left, I wanted to cut off everything. I wanted to continue my time with people for as long as I could, because I knew as soon as I was alone, I would break. My first reaction would have been to avoid the hurt, and not figure out where it was coming from.
When Alyssa got married, I told Chris, "Things will be better when her stuff is all moved out, so then I don't have to think about it." I wasn't going to approach anyone with the hurt that I felt for her not wanting me to be there. I was planning on holding it over her head, because I was scared.
When things came up with someone, my first reaction was to panic, and run away. (This is becoming a pattern...) I didn't want to face the hurt I was about to endure, and inflict. I knew it would hurt both of us, but in order for us to grow, I needed to make sure things were over.
I have yet to do this, because I am continually running away.
When Taylor left, instead of running away, I sought God. God spoke to me, and showed me things were okay. Because although I miss him, Taylor was not leaving me. He was pursuing a path of righteousness, and doing exactly what God wants him to do.
When Alyssa got married, instead of running away, I was honest with my feelings. I allowed myself to break down. (When I went to brush my teeth the first morning, and I saw her toothbrush was gone, I BROKE.) I was honest with my feelings, and was freed. She explained her side, and I saw it in a different way, so as not to be upset about it. Instead of holding it over her head, she'll see in her own time, and I will continue to LOVE HER with all I am. Because she's my sister, and that's how it is supposed to be.
With the other situation, I'm still working on it. I think God has piled all of this onto me, because He knows I run away. He knows the hiding place I run to. And instead of waiting for me to see him, He finds me in that place, and pulls me out of it. Eventually, I will be able to face things head on, without fear. But right now, I'm still learning, God is still breaking me.
All I know is, I'm following His will and His plan.


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