Monday, January 11, 2010

Fear


Moving always puts me in the worst mood. People's enormous amounts of crap, moving into enormous new houses. Really? Honestly? It drives me nuts. My heart just does all these stupid things, I dunno. It makes me think about how weak we are as humans. How we are so unable to rely on anything but ourselves. It breaks me heart, how we can do nothing but piles our piles higher, filling empty spaces in our houses as if that will actually help fill the gaping holes in our hearts. No words explain how desperately that breaks me. How many times fo I use stuff as a filler, to fill holes, satisfy my eyes, my physical desires. Which brings me to my next point.

I want to mission. I want to pack all my stuff into a suitcase, a purse, and a camera bag, and have everything I own in there. Beauty is not found in physical things. Holes are not filled with physical things. God does that. I want to change who I am, and I want to change who I was becoming. I want to solely rely on God and only God. I want to become everything he wants me to be.

Going to Taylor's house, with the whole family and family friends praying over him leaving, I am torn to my knees. I am broken, seeing something like that happen. I want to go. I want to go and go and go. But guess what? I don't know if I could. I am afraid I cannot wait for the very day I am able to go away from my family, away from my home, away from everything I've known. How am I able to drop everything and go exactly where I am called to go? I may be afraid, but afraid because it is something new. It will not be something that I am too afraid to do, but something I go with a full heart, a strong heart, a ready heart. I will no longer rely on people for my happiness or things of pleasure. I will solely rely on God.

Going to Taylor's house again, and talking about how God brought us all together. I was so broken and alone, and God used these people to show me what it's like to live for God and only God. He used these people to show me how to dive into everything that He is. I am unable to forget the very day I met each person, and I am unable to explain the way that God has used them for me. Seeing people cry because they will have a family who is prayed over. Seeing people cry because the bitter-sweet travels of a close friend and brother. There is nothing more beautiful than people coming together, and bowing their heads before God of all.

Coming home to the note on the table, and placing the cd in the cd player, I fall on my knees and ask God why. But I know this is not God's doing, this is my own. I am reminded of that far too often, that I have done this to myself. I have let fear drive my very being. Up to the point of breaking someone completely. I pray only that he is able to see the good from this, and he is able to rely on God and not me. I am not who he is made to love, I am not the reason for his smiles, and I refuse to take on that role.

I have been driven by fear, to my very core.

I fell on my face, while Stephanie and Nikki prayed over me. I could do nothing but weep uncontrollably. Because I am such a broken human. My sins are so great, and it just weighed on me then in that moment. I am full of so many sins, and it broke me to my core.

I cried out to God, my eyes lifted towards Him-

You have a plan. I will do nothing to get in the way of that. My fear is nothing in comparison to your power. Make me use this situation for your glory. Help him to see the reason, and rely on you for his happiness. God, destroy this fear in my heart, and allow me to live completely for you. Glorify this situation, God.



It continues to amaze me how I react in these situations. I am stronger than I think. I am not afraid to trip sometimes, because God is here to catch me.

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