Monday, December 14, 2009


Do you ever get that feeling, when it feels like God is pushing his hands through your skin, into your stomach, and just mashing up your insides?
That's how I felt this morning.
I'm making a lot of changes, I have made a lot of changes. But I am still weak.
It's taken me so long to admit this.
My life before, it was all about being strong. No one saw the tears that I cried, no one noticed the bags under my eyes from the endless sleepless nights. No one saw the scars on my wrists, the pricks in my veins. No one noticed. And although I was fighting to be noticed, I was being noticed as strong, confident, and different. I wanted everyone to see that. I wanted everyone to think that I was happy, that I was okay. It was impossible for me to admit to myself or other people that I was weak.
God changed that.

Steph and I talked this morning. We talked about how there's a reason for authority, there's a reason for breaking off relationships, there's a reason for everything. We talked about how we should always trust God, even when it's impossible to see the future. As Elizabeth put it last night, "Foggy night. No stars. Black canvas. Completely and utterly humbled by my Maker. Do i believe? Even if I cannot see?"
I am obviously weak. I have yet to learn about God and his motives. I have yet to completely trust myself and my life to Him. Why? I don't know. I think that it would be hard for any person to give up everything they have. I think the transformation is never an easy one, that's why it's taken me this long to realize the things I'm beginning to realize.

I am relying on something else. Instead of reading my Bible on my own, someone else is calling me up, and reminding me of God's promises. I have yet to dive into my Bible on my own and seek answers. I do spend a lot of time in my Bible, but not much of it processes right, because I'm not seeking.
It's like being under water, and trying to make sense of the words someone is trying to speak to you. You hear it, but it's jumbled, it's muffled. My head is below water, and I want to come up. Not only to hear every word clearly, but to breath. And not just a short breath. I want to take a deep breath of fresh air, and hold onto that air for as long as I live.
I will not make false promises to God. There is absolutely no excuse for that, and I will not do it.

He gave his only son for me, and I still have yet to give myself up to Him. He gave me the greatest gift I could ever receive, and still it's hard to trust him. It's not only me, I see it in all kinds of people. It's hard. But He gave us everything he had. Why should we not rely solely on Him?

I'm just thinking out-loud.
"No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it." -1 Cor. 10:13


Chris Mueller said...

You're a rockstar!
Keep it up kid! You blow me away :D

xomichaela said...

Sierra showed me that passage you put at the end. I really like it.

And the way you describe it as being underwater. It really makes sense. If you know what I mean.

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