Thursday, December 17, 2009

Thoughts Out Loud

My mind is tossing and turning, and I don't even know where to start. Forgive me, for this blog will be all sorts of thoughts crammed together into a mush of THOUGHT. I hope you don't mind.

I keep asking myself-where am I going? What do you have in store for me, God? Where will you lead me? I'm living in comfort, and I hate it.
Obviously, you want me to go. Go where? I contacted some YWAM groups, to tons of different places, to see which one (if any) you have in store for me. Now I am waiting. Waiting for your pull.
Listened to "Only the Lonely" sermon this morning. It tore me up. I never knew that I was facing loneliness. I mean, I knew, but...not to this extent. The way Pastor Paul kept talking, it pulled around at my guts, and ripped them around a bit. Not a good feeling. But I know you wanted me to hear this. You wanted me to know that my own loneliness is my seperation from you. My loneliness is my sin.
That hurts, God. That scares me, God.
I haven't been sleeping enough, because my world has been so topsy-turvy. I feel as if I'm on a boat in the middle of a storm, and can't be held steady. I'm afraid of what this is, of what you're trying to tell me.
There it is. Fear. Why am I encompassed in fear? I'm so afraid of failure, I'd almost rather not do it. I'm so afraid of everything. Why am I encompassed in fear, God? You know everything. You know the ugliest parts of me, and the most beautiful. You know where my life is headed, and you know that I will do great things for You-So, God, why am I scared?
Why do I feel like throwing up, everytime I say something? Why do I feel like I'm going to be wrong in everything I do? Why does my heart stop in my chest when people ask me direct questions? Why, Why, Why?
I'm at a strange place. And I don't know where it is. I'm seeking you, God, and I feel like maybe, you're leaving me. Maybe you're abandoning me in my fear, so that I can learn something. What am I learning? Why can't I just accept that, and move on? Why can't I just see that maybe that's what you're doing, and just search for what you're teaching me?
Maybe it's because I don't even know where I am at. Maybe it's because I am in such a comfortable spot right now, I don't want to mess that up. Why am I suddenly wanting so much change? Why is my heart pounding outside of my chest, telling me to go, make a difference? Why am I stuck here, in my house, every single day, and I am not able to go out and do something? Why am I asking so much of you, God, when in reality, I should just be trusting you?


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