Sunday, May 9, 2010

Unorganized Thoughts

This blog is going to be messy and filled with thoughts that are completely from the depths of my brain-where messiness exists, and order must be found.

Today is Mother's Day. I spent it without my Mom. And I kept thinking to myself how lame this is-Mother's Day without my Mommy to spoil to death with nice thoughts, foot rubs, and doing the dishes so she doesn't have to.
One thing that kept crossing my mind this morning during church was that I hate holidays. I've never liked Valentine's Day. I've never liked the fourth of July. Sure, everyone loves Christmas...but it was just another holiday for me. And today I found out why.
John and Stasi Eldredge wrote this fantastic thing on Valentine's Day-about how there's so much pressure to have that perfect date, say the perfect words, get the perfect flowers, the perfect card, and read the other's mind to do exactly what they want so they can be loved. But they went on to say- Shouldn't we just be showing those people our love each and everyday?
So, for me, I think this is why I hate holidays. Shouldn't we celebrate Jesus' birth, Jesus' death and ressurection, our freedom, our love, our Mothers, our Fathers, and each every holiday in between on a regular basis? If it really means something to us...shouldn't we be showing that on a day-to-day basis, and not just spending one day a year to thank someone like our Mothers for the ridiculous amount of work they do, and get off our lazy bums to take some work off their hands. I'm guilty of it. I'm SO guilty of not thanking my Mom NEARLY as much as I should. And I'm going to make it a point to say how much I appreciate her more often-because, in reality, one day a year is not nearly enough. And even if I said something to her once a day, everyday I was alive, it would still not be enough. That's how fantastic my Mom is. And I'm sure you feel the same.
But one day is certainly not even close. And it's stupid to me that we go out of our way to make someone happy, only on their birthday, or our anniversaries, or Mother's and/or Father's day. It's not fair, to those who love. We don't live our lives thanking Jesus only once a year do we?

Along with the topic of family-I miss my Nikki.
I miss our late night conversations. I miss fighting for 3 hours, to only be laughing again three minutes after we're finished. I miss the laughs. I miss her smile. And, I do miss her refusal to ever allow me to take pictures of her-because I knew I could always sneak one in here and there. But now...she's gone. And I miss her.
I'm so proud of the things she is doing, and it breaks my heart that I am not a part of that. As silly as it sounds, I've spent just about my entire life by her side. We're 363 days apart, we've shared everything from birthdays, to baths, to beds, to Polly Pockets, to pants, to rooms, and everything in between. And now...she's states away. I knew the day would come that we'd have to get away. We'd have to live our lives, and I knew it would be a while away, because we're both travelers. But I didn't realize it would be so soon. And I miss her with my whole heart.
I know she's doing so much good. But I am a selfish being, and I'm missing her anyways, because she's my big sister, and she's someone that I've shared my whole life with. I know my family will never forget what she's doing for them, and I admire her for following God's plan so joyfully, even when it meant picking up and leaving EVERYTHING except for a suitcase behind.
So I miss her. Even if that is terribly selfish of me.

And, last but not least-I hate silence.
I've been so good at enjoying the silence, and enjoying the whisper that comes through it. I'm not talking about physical silence, such as no noise.
But I'm talking about silence from people, and silence from their hearts. I'm sad to know that I don't know the heart of my best friend since 6th grade. I'm sad to know that I hurt someone, and I didn't hear anything about it. I'm sad that I don't know my own brother. I'm sad that until the other day, I'd never heard my parent's engagement story, and I still don't even know their testimony. I'm sad that maybe I don't know the heart of my own boyfriend, because he's been trying to please me so much, I got so caught up in the happiness of being taken care of, I forgot to ask him.
And most of all, it's not the silence that I hate. But perhaps it's simply the fact that I have not been listening. Maybe it's the fact that I have not been willing to ask, and willing to hear.
My heart is torn by that thought.
The thought that I have been selfish, because I'm happy.

But I forgot to remember that I am happy because God gave me joy. I forgot that I am happy because God placed that joy in my heart.
And I forgot that these people were placed in my life for a reason. To not only listen to my complaints, joys, trials, and successes-but for me to listen to them.
And know their heart.
I don't know many hearts. And it's no one's fault but my own.
And that's a truth I need to face, and need to change.

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