Tuesday, May 11, 2010

God Answers Prayer

I am learning more than I thought I ever could from the smallest simplest things.
Like it's said all the time, God is in everything. I knew this with my head, but I am just now learning with my heart.
Today I prayed a prayer bigger than myself. I prayed a prayer that God wanted me to pray. And as soon as I gave it to Him, He set me free.
You see, I've been learning about procrastination, my selfishness, my pride, perfection, and successs. It's becoming what feels like all too much to handle, but I know in my heart that God will never give anyone more than they can handle.
Today, I took my accuplacer test to get into college. I was frightened. I have this thing about tests, and they freak me out. My first reaction-panic. Then, distract my mind so I don't have to think about it until it's there, fly through it, and get out before anyone mentions that I failed because I was going too fast.
And there it was. That expecatation already in my head that I was going to fail.

And that stopped my heart, made my hands sweaty, and my nose itchy.
I expect myself to fail. In everything I do, I expect myself to do the worst. My reasoning-if I expect the worst, I'll never be disappointed. Purposely setting my standards so low, because then I'll never expect more than what I get.
This has hardened my heart. This has caused me to feel like everything in my life is enough, because it's not the worst I expected. When in reality-my standards need to be higher. They must be higher. Because the way that some people treat me, the words that do hurt me, I just ignore...because "It could be worse", or "I've heard worse".
That sickens me. This thought literally makes me want to gag.
I am made worthy through Christ. So I should have high standards for myself, because He has high standards for me.
I should not have high standards, so high that I can never reach them. I should not have standards that are so high, when I don't reach them I give up because I simply am not enough and I simply cannot do it.
I've done everything in my life to perfection. The reason I don't clean my room, is because when I do clean it, I have to go through every single thing and it's a lot of time. The reason I am not doing school is because the only thing acceptable to me is an A, and when I don't get an A, that's an F to me.
So foolish, and so so wrong.
And I make up excuses.
But this...this is taking over my life. My issue with perfection is taking me into procrastination, which is making me selfish.
By always setting my standards to perfect or nothing, I am waiting until the last minute to do it, because it takes so much time and I don't like doing it. That waiting because "I don't want to take the time" is turning me into a selfish person, because I am putting my wants before my needs.
It's all a trail into destruction, and it simply starts with trying to be perfect.
I will never be perfect.
Let me say that again. Not for you, but because I know the second time will resonate in my own self.
I will never be perfect.
Trying my best, and taking the time to do my best will be enough. It is enough, and it must always be enough. Because in Christ's eyes, I am enough.
The thing is, I have to live the life Christ would want me to lead. He would not want me to live selfishly, procarastinating, and trying to be perfect. I will never live up to that standard, and it's tearing me apart.

Which brings me back to my prayer this morning.
God-it's time. Today is the day I'm taking my accuplacer test in about an hour, and I am scared out of my mind. I keep thinking to myself "What if, what if, what if". But I know that your plan is bigger than my own. So, I am going to go, and do the very best that I can do. Not for my own glory, or to add to my pride, Father, but to glorify you and show of your love and mercy. God, you are so vast. And you are full of peace. You are not a God of fear or stress. But you are a God of love, patience, and peace. So today, as I go take this test to know if I get into this school, I will keep you in my mind. As I should always, but I know that I do not. You gave everything for me, and the least I can do is give everything to you. I will do all things for the glory of you, God. I will not stress, and I will not fear, because your plan is far beyond my sight and I know you'll give me the best. Because I am yours, Father. I am fully yours. I pray you'll put in my a patient heart, so I will not rush. God, show me that it is okay to take my time. Give me a peaceful heart. Help me to see your peace, help me to know in my heart you have a plan. Help me to see you in this. And God, if I get anything less than a perfect score, I pray that my heart will not become fearful. I pray my heart and mind will not be discouraged. God, help me to glorify you. Help me to do the best I can so your will will play out as it should. You are all I need, Father. I will praise you until the day that I die. Thank you for this opportunity.

I walked out of that building with a 84 in reading, 104 in Sentence Structure, 79 in Arithmetic, and 55 in Algebra. And not once did I say I am not enough. Not once did I become fearful, for I knew He has plans for me. And even thought I'm going to be taking the math tests again, I don't mind. Because even if I take it again and don't make it, I know there's a reason I'm in a class that's not a college course.
God is bigger than I.
So, I will not strive to be perfect. I will not set my standards far below where they should be so I will never be disappointed. I will not procrastinate, but do everything to my best ability, and use all the time I am given. I will no longer be selfish, because that puts me in a place on my own.
God is so good.
He provides.
And He answers prayer.


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