Saturday, May 15, 2010

A Mile A Minute

I think the reason I don't like sleep, is because when I get a lot of it, I can't sleep the next night. So I'm up all night anyways, and exhausted the next day.
Someday, I'll figure out this things with sleep-but for now, you just get a late night blog with the ramblings from my head.
Basically, everything I'm thinking of written out for you to read.
I know, I know, not fantastically exciting. But it's something for me to do, since I'm having problems moving onto a new notebook. (I only have one page left in my notebook, and I know I have more to write than one page. So I'm stalling. As if not writing will make the things I want to write go away. We all know how that's turning out....
But I do know if I start, I won't finish in one book. And I don't like that thought. And if I just start a new one, I'll have one page left. I dunno. I need to work on whatever that is that's stopping me.)
The lightning is in action outside. I can't help but fall in love with each strike, and the loud boom that follows. Something about it intrigues me. The ability to be something so dangerous, and yet absolutely gorgeous. That dangerous beauty, it strikes me. (No pun intended.)
Today I went out and had coffee with Chris, and we watched a movie, ate ice cream, and had lunch together. I'm finding out so much about him, and it's so interesting. To know someone in what I think is as well as I know myself. But the next minute, something throws me off, and I realize there's always more to learn. Always.There's a beauty there that only God could have created and understood.
Starting school in the Fall. Not just school, but college. My Mom met with the guy that's helping us out, and it turns out, I don't even have to take math right now. God never gives me anything I can't handle. I know that the English I'm taking is going to be rough, and by taking away the pressure of math, I can really work my best at what I'm doing. I'm so excited for what is to come.
I've been questioning myself lately a lot on why I want to mission, and my motives behind it. God's showing me that it's more than I think it is, and He's showing me that I need to know Him better before I run off and "save the world". Because in reality, He doesn't need me. But I am chosen to be used. I'm praying I find all this out before I jump ahead of myself.
It's been brought to my attention, simply by observation, that I have more issues with my family than I thought I did. I have more wounds and hurts than I thought. And I've seen the way that those wounds fester, through some family members that are grandparents, and still cannot get along. It's impossible for me to fix every problem our family has ever had. But they cannot know I am hurt if I do not tell them. I'm going to coffee with my Mom next Tuesday, to seek wisdom. This took me months to get the courage to do, because I was afraid. Is that crazy? Yes, it is. Nikki is coming home soon. We've been through so much, and I miss her desperately. This time away has made me realize how much of an incredible woman of God she is becoming. And I can't tell you how much I look up to her. Zach is graduating 8th grade soon. I am still in shock about this, he's growing up so crazy fast.
My mind is running a mile a minute.
Maybe it would be a good idea to be writing this down.

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