Monday, December 13, 2010

Longing For Purpose

I have been longing to simply find the meaning. What is the purpose of school madness? Of silly fights? Of busy schedules?
It's all been something that has rattled around in my brain because I feel like, if anything, I have been hindered in my relationships with others, and my relationship with God. 
But who am I to measure the worth of the things I am doing?

I was considering not going back to school. I was considering that it wasn't worth it, and it wasn't teaching me anything I didn't know. "It was putting me in a box."
How arrogant. How silly of me to think that I am the exception.

I have been toying with this thought, and pondering why it is even there. There are a lot of times in my life where I have considered myself the exception. I don't have to go to school, because it doesn't do anything for me. I don't have to be intentional with relationships, because they should be intentional with me. I don't have to clean my room, because it's just going to get messy again. I don't have to do things I don't like because I don't deserve that. I don't have to obey my parents because I know what I'm doing.
Do you see how this thought can continue on down a path of destruction?

The truth is-I am not the exception. I never have been. I need education, I need to learn to be clean, I need to obey my parents, I need community even I have to be the one initiating it, I need to do things I don't like because that is life, and that is how I will learn.
These things have been placed in my life for purpose. To teach me, to push me out of my comfort zone, and learn to do everything I do for His glory, and not my own.

Do you know what goes along with believing I am the exception?
I have believed that I am the exception to sin because He has already forgiven me.
I could not be more foolish, and my heart has broken over realizing this thought has sat in my head for the past 16 years of my life. 

God did not forgive and redeem so that I may live as I want.
He did, so that I may live freely within His teachings. That I may live freely in His word.
He longs to give me my life. He longs to give me a life of freedom. He longs to give me everything that He wants for me.
But when I look at it as "I can sin whenever I want, because He already forgave me"...
I don't even have words for how foolish I have been.

He forgave and redeemed for His glory, not my own.

My heart breaks, because I have not been living in love. In life. In His will for me.

Oh, what a world He chooses to love...

The purpose, the meaning to all of this,
is Him.


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