Ordained Our Mouths With Praise

A few jumbled thoughts this evening that I will attempt to bring order to in a few short minutes because I am tired.

Disclaimer: This thought may not be finished, or complete, or polished with a big shiny red bow on top. So please, allow me to use this for my own learning experience, and if you'd like to continue with me, brace yourself.

This past Sunday, Barry talked about John 1:1-2. He broke it down word for word.
And spent (what felt like to me) the majority of the time speaking about the word, word.
In Hebrew, word is logos. Words were not just words, they were a happening. An event. Something that could not be flippant, or taken back. Words were meant to be said with entire meaning. And they were only said with complete meaning.
In Greek, the word word is also logos. But to the Greek people, words were something that were ultimate truth and knowledge. In Genesis 1, we see many examples of God using words to make things happen. Words, to Greek people, were ultimate knowledge because God used them to create. To begin it all.
Around the time Barry was talking about the Hebrew meaning of the word "word", Chris leaned over to me and said, "I want to think about words like that. I want to use my words like that."
I nodded my head in agreement, and it's been stirring in my head.
If anyone knows me, I use a lot of "I dunno"s "I don't care"s and "I'm fine"s. I've been holding people back from fulling loving me by using these phrases, that don't let people in and push them away. (Goodness. I have had this conversation 14 too many times, and I have yet to beat it into my foolish brain. I am also currently learning about my pride and stubbornness. People have to have a lot of patience with me as of late.)
I'm so afraid of failure, I'd rather not do it.
That's my mindset.
(Again, back to that beating into my foolish brain. But I'm getting off track.)

Today, a Spontaneous Song by Kim Walker-Smith played over my iPod. And I heard these words:
You have ordained our mouths with praise.

Ordained.
Meaning
1. To confer holy orders upon.
2. to decree, or give orders for.
3. to destine or predestine.

We have been given holy orders, we have been decreed, we have been predestined, with our mouths. To praise. Him.

Our mouths.
Yahweh. Already our breath praises Him.
Our mouths, the words that we speak, should praise Him.
Each and every one.

Going back to Barry's message,
Each of our words should hold weight and meaning that even we cannot comprehend. The words we say should not need to be taken back. The words we speak are happenings.

He has ordained our mouths with praise.

Oh, how I long and desire for my words to praise and glorify Him. I long to stop my flippant insults, and take them quickly back with a "just kidding" or "I didn't mean that". I want my words to hold weight and meaning and specificity.
Because He has ordained it.

Impact

I am learning that I have impact.
I am learning that I am more than this seemingly wretched human form I am trapped in.
I am learning that the small things matter.
I am learning that I love the simple.
My heart breaks for those who are breaking, and never once have I stopped to show them that they are not alone.
My heart loves for those who are unloved, and yet my life does not reflect that a single bit.
My heart reaches out to those who are suffering, and never once have I told them about the hope that they can have.

Who am I to take on the role of Christ?
No matter how I try, I cannot save those who need saving. I cannot love unconditionally. My heart cannot hold the lives of everyone I come in contact with.

But what can I do?
I can share. I can share Him. I can share Him through the way that I do love, the way that I show some they are not alone, the way that I live my daily life.

I have impact. The small and simple mean something. Always.
I am making life changes. Not because the new year is coming, not because of some epiphany, not because I am dying and need a change. But simply, because Christ is calling me to be more than I am now.
I have impact.
We all have impact. 
It's time we lived like it.

Longing For Purpose

I have been longing to simply find the meaning. What is the purpose of school madness? Of silly fights? Of busy schedules?
It's all been something that has rattled around in my brain because I feel like, if anything, I have been hindered in my relationships with others, and my relationship with God. 
But who am I to measure the worth of the things I am doing?


I was considering not going back to school. I was considering that it wasn't worth it, and it wasn't teaching me anything I didn't know. "It was putting me in a box."
How arrogant. How silly of me to think that I am the exception.


I have been toying with this thought, and pondering why it is even there. There are a lot of times in my life where I have considered myself the exception. I don't have to go to school, because it doesn't do anything for me. I don't have to be intentional with relationships, because they should be intentional with me. I don't have to clean my room, because it's just going to get messy again. I don't have to do things I don't like because I don't deserve that. I don't have to obey my parents because I know what I'm doing.
Do you see how this thought can continue on down a path of destruction?


The truth is-I am not the exception. I never have been. I need education, I need to learn to be clean, I need to obey my parents, I need community even I have to be the one initiating it, I need to do things I don't like because that is life, and that is how I will learn.
These things have been placed in my life for purpose. To teach me, to push me out of my comfort zone, and learn to do everything I do for His glory, and not my own.


Do you know what goes along with believing I am the exception?
Sin.
I have believed that I am the exception to sin because He has already forgiven me.
I could not be more foolish, and my heart has broken over realizing this thought has sat in my head for the past 16 years of my life. 


God did not forgive and redeem so that I may live as I want.
He did, so that I may live freely within His teachings. That I may live freely in His word.
He longs to give me my life. He longs to give me a life of freedom. He longs to give me everything that He wants for me.
But when I look at it as "I can sin whenever I want, because He already forgave me"...
I don't even have words for how foolish I have been.


He forgave and redeemed for His glory, not my own.


My heart breaks, because I have not been living in love. In life. In His will for me.


Oh, what a world He chooses to love...


The purpose, the meaning to all of this,
is Him.

Something That I Long To Share

There is something that I long to share.
There is something that stirs inside my soul that longs to burst forth, so that everyone may know.
There is something there.


Words cannot describe.
Eyes cannot see.
Ears cannot hear.


Only hearts can feel.


This thing, 
This something.
It's Joy.


And although, like I said, words cannot describe, I am going to do the best that I can.


It is as if every moment is a changing season. It's just like when Winter has been here for so long, and Spring finally comes. Feel, inside your soul, that beginning. That refreshing, recharging state of mind.
It is as if every moment is the reaching the top of the tallest mountain you have climbed. You stand there, at the top, and look down on the paths you have taken to get there. No matter how many bumps and bruises you have gotten, you are now on top of the world.
It is as if every moment is that first moment you hold a baby. No matter how alien-like they still look, newborn babies, when they smile so wide, cause stirring in hearts. Their eyes holding onto everything new, their fingers grasping anything they can touch. As if every moment is new life.
It is as if every moment is the moment when someone saved you from the wretched place you were in. When you were beaten, and broken, and had no desire for anything anymore, and this person comes along, and pulls you from the ground. Your body jolts, and your head gets dizzy, but it feels so good to be back up. 
It is as if every moment is meeting a new person. A complete stranger, who tells you a story you never would have guessed they held. And you lock eyes, and know that this deep moment with this stranger will last in your heart forever.
It is as if every moment is drinking an ice cold glass of water on a hot day, or finally curling under blankets on a freezing day.
With the intensity of a hit funny bone, it grasps your soul. And your breath catches, and your eyes close, and everything seems different.
Because as soon as you see it-your world focuses on it.


I am overjoyed to tell you, that Christ IS joy. That He has overcome the world, for us. For me. For specifically you. He has come for us, and He has given us a hope.
He has placed in us, joy.


When did we stop living like these words are true?

Ponderings

I just wrote out an entire blog and erased it, because it was going nothing like my brain is going right now.


So, I'm going to write my brain.


-Chris is home today. He was gone for five days, and has come back feeling refreshed. We both feel a stirring in our hearts to push each other more toward the path God has been planning for us. We've reached a time when things are really busy, and it's too easy to get caught up in the world. I am going to admit that first hand, because it happens to the best of us. I am so grateful for this man in my life, that encourages me in the things I love, and lifts me up when I'm down. I'm so thankful that he is here to uncloud my often cloudy vision.
-Registered for classes. I am going to be really busy, and it's going to be hard. I'm going to want to give up at times, and allow myself to barely skim by. But this coming semester must be different. I have to see that everything I do, is for the glory of God. And what do I say about Him, and to Him, if I am just barely getting by? 
-I love my family. My blood family, and those who are dear friends. I love to love. If that is one thing that I know, is that God loves me. And I know that there is no better feeling than to be loved. I long to share that with every person I know, because I dearly love each and every person. I love loving. God has recently tugged on my heart to love more. So, I am pulling those I love closer to me, so that they may know my love. And I pray, that I will be an example of His love. I long to love. My friends, my family, anyone I come in contact with.
Love. Unconditionally. Other-wordly. And dearly.
Always. It is in my heart, and in my mind, and I don't know where I would be without it. God saved me, with His love. He pulled from the bottom, with His love. God is Love.
Love.
-My room is freezing, and we need to get the plastic wrap stuff to go around my window.
-I need to get myself a bank account, and start searching for a job.
-Drink less coffee.


-Thank you, Jesus, for this life I live.
And for each person you have strategically placed in my life.
-Thank you for my freedom from my chains.
-Thank you for peaceful night's sleep.


-I am passionate. About a lot of things.
I need to begin actively seeking my passions, and running after them full force. I long to see more than I have ever seen. I long to write more passionately than before. I long to create things that are truly my heart and mind written out.
I am a person of passion. I need to live as one.