Monday, April 12, 2010

Nothing To Fear

It's been a long time since I have felt my past creeping up on me. It's been a while since I have felt the pressure of past things weigh on my heart like an anchor. Holding me in place, with nowhere to go.
I woke up yesterday morning, and there it was. That deep sinking feeling in my heart. That weight of disgust I felt for myself. That hatred for who I am, and everyone else in my life.
I began to let lies creep in.
"You're not enough."
"You don't deserve what you're getting."
"They're only being nice because they have to."
"He doesn't really love you, he just wants something from you."
"What you had was good, it was thrilling, it was fulfilling. And you could have it all back."
At youth group, some teens hung around for about 15 minutes just hanging out.

Standing between two cars-one with a boy beckoning me in, one with a girl and her boy making out, I prayed.
"God-I'm scared. I've always been scared. But I know you're bigger. I know you are stronger. My past...it has nothing to do with myself now, except for throwing up red flags so I know when I'm headed to the wrong places. Lies are seeping in, and I'm afraid. I know that I will always be tempted God, but I do not want to cross the line of temptation into sin. I need you, God. And I always have. I need these lies to go away, because I know they are not from you."
And yesterday, I walked away from the boy beckoning me into his car.
I got the kids we were taking home, and we got in the van. The girl driving got in, and we drove home with cuss words blaring into my ears from her cd.
I laid my head back on the seat and fought back tears. I rolled down my window, so I had a place to look. The wind would blow the tears away.
Through Satan's eyes, and through my eyes-I am nothing. I am simply a human being, an evil sinner.
But through God's eyes-I am His child. I am beautiful. I am enough.
And I can do absolutely nothing without Him.

I will not be driven by fear.
I will not allow fear to be what drives me.
I will not let fear overcome me.
Because through God-I have nothing to fear.

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