Thursday, March 18, 2010

Laziness

I'm finding out so much about me, about God, about the people around me.
My sister is leaving for Arizona in less than a week, and my heart is sad.
I just started dating Chris, and I'm so excited for the things to come.
My life is tossing and turning. And all I'm doing is sitting back and watching it happen.

Spending time with God the other night, I wrote, "I feel like I'm doing so well at not getting overwhelmed, and just trusting God to work His magic. But the lull inside of me is frusturating. I long for a fire. I long to learn. Oh, how I long to learn. There is a desire in me to learn, and be able to teach. I want to know my Bible, know the words of God. I want to know historical facts behind it. I want to know how to answer the hard questions. The thing is-
I am lazy."

Ouch. That hits so close to home. My family consistently says this to me, and I simply accept it.
Like I said, ouch.
How completely unbiblical of me.
That is heart-breaking.

Today I went to the library by myself. I listened to a sermon, and wandered around with my iPod in my ears, searching for books.
That thought kept coming into my head-I long to learn. I long to learn. I long to learn.
I got books that are different than anything I usually get. I spent more time writing than I have in a while, and I only got a page and a little out of it.

"Each breath you breathe is an act of worship. Each inhale. Each exhale. It's so hard for people to know.
Yet I have been wooed.
God chose me. So many years ago, when He sent His son to die on the cross for my sins. That day, He chose me. And from the day I was born, to now, He was wooing me. He will continue to woo me until the day that I die. He chose the day to capture my broken heart, and heal it. He chose and is choosing the ways to romance me, lead me to His loving embrace."

I am abosolutely nothing without God.
I have seen the evil depths of human's hearts.
I know I am nothing without Him.

But I do have Him. And He has given me worth. This desire in me to learn, is being taken over by the simple things that Satan chooses to confuse me with-stop me, and pull me in.
What a fool I have been, for listening to Satan.
For accepting that I am lazy, for thinking it is okay that I am lazy.
Because the truth is, as a woman of God, I am absolutely not lazy.

Starting tomorrow, I'm taking a computer fast.
No picture uploads/edits. No blogs. No tumblr. No facebook. No twitter. No flickr. No browsing. No iTunes.
As you can see, it's been comsuming my mind and time. And I absolutely cannot have that.
Until I can learn to spend a more healthy amount of time on the computer, I will not be on it. Period.
I don't know when I will be back.
Until then, feel free to grab me tonight. Ask me for my address (I adore letters), my phone number, and we can get together, face to face.
I'm not simply fasting from facebook, or twitter, or something like that.
I'm not doing anything involving the computer.

It's time for me to prioritize my life. And this truly shouldn't be as important to me as it is right now.

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