Sunday, March 13, 2011

It's Been One Year.

I don't know what I was thinking when this began. All I remember was feeling like perfection must be met. I remember feeling like I had screwed up everything else, every relationship I had had before, that this one was going to be, had to be, perfect. We would sit down for a coffee date, intending only to sit and talk for hours on end, and I wouldn't know what to say because I had formed an idea in my head of who I had to be for him. Not in a weird, or extreme way. But I thought that maybe, just maybe, he had this expectation of me that I couldn't meet. So the words I spit out couldn't be spit out- they had to be a finished and full thought that opened up beautiful windows and doors and he would be precisely blown away by in a perfect sense that he just couldn't imagine his life without these brilliant things that were consistently spewing from my mouth.
Good Lord, I was so selfish.
I was so intent on glorifying myself, that I had to be perfect for him because I was afraid that he would leave. I was afraid that if he saw how young I truly was, if he saw how naive I was, if he saw how wounded and broken I was, he wouldn't want to stick around. So I tried to be someone that I wasn't.
And where did that bring us?
Many silent treatments from me that were patiently forgiven every single time by this wonderful man.
One day it hit me. This summer, we had gone to Jives for coffee, and it turned out a big mess because I just shut down. Like every time before. And we were mad and not talking when his Mom came to drive us home.
I couldn't even look him in the face, I was so ashamed.
And he stuck out his hand. And when I held it, he pulled me to him, and held me in his arms. No words were shared, but there was an understanding- I was so horribly sorry, and he had forgiven me. All I could think about was God's love. If someone here, on this Earth, could forgive me of this foolishness I was, and make me feel so forgiven and happy- how does God love me?  
And since then, it has been a rocky road. A messy, beautiful, intentional rocky road. Chris has learned patience above all else- giving me time to open up and share. He has supported me in times that I was shy and timid. He held me when I was broken, and could handle no more defeat. He has taken my hand, and prayed over every date we've had. I know that he has warred for me in prayer, and I have done the same for him. He has taken on a lot of work in our business, because I don't have the knowledge or tools to currently do so. He has driven many miles to see me in (what I like to call) Kansas, even if sometimes it was just to drop of meds we didn't have, or food I was craving so badly.
This guy. This man.
Gosh, I wish that there were words to describe where we are now. The decision has been made, and we have chosen to walk closer to God, right by each other's side. Forever I am going to love this man.
I am incredibly proud to say that this man is who I love. I am proud to say that this man is my business partner. So proud that he is my best friend. My buddy. My mister. My Christopher.
And above all else, I know that forever he will be leading me and pushing and pulling me closer to Christ. It's what is most important to us, and we will never allow the other to grow stagnant. And that, there, is a beauty like none other.
I am blessed, truly blessed, by this man and the things that he has willingly done for me that others would do either begrudgingly or not do at all.
I am madly in love with this man. In love with his Starbucks working, awful accent imitating, passionate picture taking, milk drinking, heart bigger than his own chest having, loud singing, simple loving, self. 


Ashley ReneƩ said...

You two are so perfect for each other. I'm so excited to see all that God has planned for you in the future. And I am so grateful for you, for giving my brother all the love that he deserves, for making him a better person, for inspiring him, and for being nothing other than who God made you to be. Always trust Him and He will never let you down. :)

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