Tuesday, July 20, 2010

That's How Good It Feels

One thing I would like to think I am-is a peaceful person. I would like to believe that I can handle any situation with the utmost grace and mercy and peace than anyone has ever seen. I'd like to say that I am an easy-going person-you know, that girl that really doesn't care what other people think of her, and is willing to just go with the flow.
But I'm learning that that's probably not true.

I'm a worrier. I sit and worry and contemplate and run circles like a hamster on a wheel in my head continually. I'm a girl that asks "what if" all the time, and can't stop to think that the "what if"'s are generally what leads to worrying. I stress over small things.
I am, straight up, a worrier.

And when times of peace come, it feels so dang good.
I know deep down, if my trust is based on Christ alone, I wouldn't have to worry. I don't need to worry. Because He's got it covered.
So in reality, at my core, I am that girl that goes with the flow and has a sense of peace about her because really, I don't care what we do. Because I am up for anything.
At my core, in my heart, that's who I am. But I let the small worries and stresses of daily life get in my way.

Right now, I am in a place of peace.
School is coming up-I'm starting at PPCC in August. Going back to school, interacting with people, starting college. I need a new camera, and I'm not stressing about it anymore. Nikki is leaving for college, and I am okay with it. We may be moving in the next 1-10 months. I have to get rid of my dog for a time.
Each morning, I can wake up, stay all day in my pajamas. I can spend my morning cuddled up with my dog, listening to a sermon, or writing or reading. I can sit in the living room and hear the chatter of Stephanie doing a client's hair, while I write a blog and feel the fresh morning air pouring through the windows before the heat sets in for the afternoon.

God has put my heart in a place of peace.
And since I know that's really who I am at my core, it feels so deliciously good when those times come.
And I will drink it in as if it is my last sip of water. That's how good it feels.


deborah said...

i remember that hamster wheel. funny thing, writing and meditating have helped me to let go of most of those worry thoughts. so does not procrastinating. i'm not saying i never worry but i do worry much much less than i have in the past and i can totally relate to your experience mel. in this moment, everything is absolutely just as it is supposed to be and i have so much to appreciate -- like my breath, my dog, the sunset, a breeze, a smile, the quiet, the unknown.

i love you -- keep writing.

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