Monday, July 12, 2010


Sometimes it's frustrating to follow the rules.
Literally painful, even.

Last night I was scorned for being on the computer at midnight. But I've been told this before. A couple days before, I was scorned for not telling my parents that while I was hanging out with Alyssa, we invited Chris along. I've been told this before too.

What is it that causes me to "forget" things I don't want to hear?
What is it, in my human brain, that literally pushes out the things I don't want to hear?
I feel like my conscious isn't even existent anymore.
It doesn't even register in my head that maybe, I might be doing something that isn't okay.
When did that go away?

The thing is-I need people to keep me accountable to that. And in order to do so, I must tell them what they need to keep me accountable for, or else they will not be able to help me.
I need someone.
I need people in my life to tell me when I am slipping, because the slip easily becomes a crash and fall.
And this slip shouldn't be done alone, because I am physically unable to pick myself up.
We've seen that.
We know that.
I am a sinful human. The deepest parts of me tell me that I am evil, and I am wrong.
But Christ has wiped me clean, and loves me anyway.
Christ is the one that picked me up when I fell, and I need people with Christ-like traits to prevent my slip in the first place.

It all starts with me.

Christ is in relentless pursuit of my soul.
I must be wholly devoted.

I must be willing to admit that I am wrong sometimes. I must be willing to listen to the rules and boundaries that have been placed in my life by people who love me.

From now on, I will place my own rules to an extreme, because I cannot handle them on my own.
My computer will be in my parent's room at 10 o'clock. Everything I need to get done must be done during the day.

Yesterday at Starbucks, we talked of priorities. My priorities need to be turned off of me.
As Mark Driscoll said, living a single life is selfish. And although I am not single, I am not married. And there is still a lot of selfishness that can come even from dating.
I need to prioritize my life. I need to go to bed, and wake up, at a decent hour. I need to spend my time wisely because the truth is-there is no measure to my time. Christ is the only one who knows the day, the hour, the second that I will breathe my last. And that could be today.
And I hate the saying "live like you're dying" or "live each day as if it is your last".
But the truth is-my time is not my own, but it is Christ's.
And it must be spent in better ways, because I cannot remember the last time that I spent my time glorifying Christ in my day-to-day every second life.
And that hurts.

GOD! You are all I need.
I pray that I will follow and glorify you in all my days.
I give my time to You.


Suzy-Q said...

Oh Melly Belly, you never cease to amaze me! Thank you for seeing this and for being willing to admit it! Believe me when I say it may be hard now, but it is WAY harder later in life to learn and apply these valuable lessons. And oh so NOT fun!
I am proud of you! Hang in there and continue to let God be the center of top life! I love you girly!

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