That's How Good It Feels

One thing I would like to think I am-is a peaceful person. I would like to believe that I can handle any situation with the utmost grace and mercy and peace than anyone has ever seen. I'd like to say that I am an easy-going person-you know, that girl that really doesn't care what other people think of her, and is willing to just go with the flow.

But I'm learning that that's probably not true.

I'm a worrier. I sit and worry and contemplate and run circles like a hamster on a wheel in my head continually. I'm a girl that asks "what if" all the time, and can't stop to think that the "what if"'s are generally what leads to worrying. I stress over small things.

I am, straight up, a worrier.

And when times of peace come, it feels so dang good.

I know deep down, if my trust is based on Christ alone, I wouldn't have to worry. I don't need to worry. Because He's got it covered.

So in reality, at my core, I am that girl that goes with the flow and has a sense of peace about her because really, I don't care what we do. Because I am up for anything.

At my core, in my heart, that's who I am. But I let the small worries and stresses of daily life get in my way.

Right now, I am in a place of peace.

School is coming up-I'm starting at PPCC in August. Going back to school, interacting with people, starting college. I need a new camera, and I'm not stressing about it anymore. Nikki is leaving for college, and I am okay with it. We may be moving in the next 1-10 months. I have to get rid of my dog for a time.

Each morning, I can wake up, stay all day in my pajamas. I can spend my morning cuddled up with my dog, listening to a sermon, or writing or reading. I can sit in the living room and hear the chatter of Stephanie doing a client's hair, while I write a blog and feel the fresh morning air pouring through the windows before the heat sets in for the afternoon.

God has put my heart in a place of peace.

And since I know that's really who I am at my core, it feels so deliciously good when those times come.

And I will drink it in as if it is my last sip of water. That's how good it feels.

Time

Sometimes it's frustrating to follow the rules.

Literally painful, even.

Last night I was scorned for being on the computer at midnight. But I've been told this before. A couple days before, I was scorned for not telling my parents that while I was hanging out with Alyssa, we invited Chris along. I've been told this before too.

What is it that causes me to "forget" things I don't want to hear?

What is it, in my human brain, that literally pushes out the things I don't want to hear?

I feel like my conscious isn't even existent anymore.

It doesn't even register in my head that maybe, I might be doing something that isn't okay.

When did that go away?

The thing is-I need people to keep me accountable to that. And in order to do so, I must tell them what they need to keep me accountable for, or else they will not be able to help me.

I need someone.

I need people in my life to tell me when I am slipping, because the slip easily becomes a crash and fall.

And this slip shouldn't be done alone, because I am physically unable to pick myself up.

We've seen that.

We know that.

I am a sinful human. The deepest parts of me tell me that I am evil, and I am wrong.

But Christ has wiped me clean, and loves me anyway.

Christ is the one that picked me up when I fell, and I need people with Christ-like traits to prevent my slip in the first place.

It all starts with me.

Christ is in relentless pursuit of my soul.

I must be wholly devoted.

I must be willing to admit that I am wrong sometimes. I must be willing to listen to the rules and boundaries that have been placed in my life by people who love me.

From now on, I will place my own rules to an extreme, because I cannot handle them on my own.

My computer will be in my parent's room at 10 o'clock. Everything I need to get done must be done during the day.

Yesterday at Starbucks, we talked of priorities. My priorities need to be turned off of me.

As Mark Driscoll said, living a single life is selfish. And although I am not single, I am not married. And there is still a lot of selfishness that can come even from dating.

I need to prioritize my life. I need to go to bed, and wake up, at a decent hour. I need to spend my time wisely because the truth is-there is no measure to my time. Christ is the only one who knows the day, the hour, the second that I will breathe my last. And that could be today.

And I hate the saying "live like you're dying" or "live each day as if it is your last".

But the truth is-my time is not my own, but it is Christ's.

And it must be spent in better ways, because I cannot remember the last time that I spent my time glorifying Christ in my day-to-day every second life.

And that hurts.

GOD! You are all I need.

I pray that I will follow and glorify you in all my days.

I give my time to You.

There Is Ugly Everywhere

I always talk about how I can't wait to get out of Falcon. I can't wait to finish seeing the faces of people that haunt my past and continually remind me of the destructive path I accepted...happily.

Little did I realize, Falcon is a safe haven compared to many others.

I am blessed to be where I am. Here, I am not surrounded with the many addictions I could have easily drowned in. And although I still see people and things I don't want to see-I am no longer being force fed those things.

I am redeemed.

And absolutely nothing can force me to reduce that to a smaller event than it is. Because really it is not even an event at all. It is a lifestyle. A life to live. Eyes to see. Heart to feel. Mind to think.

My redemption cannot be contained or labeled.

Truth is-there is ugly everywhere.

But this ugly was put there by the hands of the very one who destroyed me before. This ugly was not put there or created by God. And that is something I must remember. God is a God of love, so He has given us free will. And I must be grateful for that, even if it scares me. Because if we did not have free will, it would not be about love.

It's all about love.

If not for free will, it wouldn't be about faith or trust or hope or passion or freedom. Redemption would not be needed. And isn't that everything that has ever given me life?

I must choose to live this life.

And I was meant to do so from the start. As all of us were. But it took me a long time to overcome my pride and stop saying "I can do it on my own."

I gave it to Christ.

And now I am unable to do it without Him.

Christ is beauty.

And I must remember that even in the ugly.