Monday, February 15, 2010

I Long For More

Have you ever heard the song 'You Won't Relent'? Well, my hair is the perfect example of this.

One day, I was flipping through some pictures from someone on flickr. There were some images of a girl with short hair in the snow. The thought came out before I even thought about what I was saying, "I think someday I need to cut off all my hair." My breath caught a little, realizing what I had just said. I need to cut off all my hair. I need to cut off all my hair. Uh-oh. Stephanie looks at me, and just says, "Yes." My head started to shake, "No, not really. I don't think I can. Maybe someday...when I have more confidence." Crap. I had just said that out loud too. "You hide. You're hiding behind your hair." "No, I don't think so," I said, keeping my eyes on the computer, thinking maybe that way she won't see right through me. From the corner of my eye, I see her face, showing me this conversation wasn't ended here.

A few weeks later, I thought about it again. "God? Am I hiding?" I knew the answer was yes. I didn't want it to be yes. So, I pushed it to the back of my mind, and pretended I never heard it. Never felt it. Never KNEW it.

Later on, I told Stephanie, " does need to happen..." She looked at me and nodded, a smile on her face. She knew I knew the answer.

A bit ago, as I was getting ready, I had pulled my hair back to brush my teeth. "Hmm. This is what I would look like with short hair." Woops. I had said it out loud. Again. "God? Am I hiding?" I asked Him again. I heard it clear as day, "Not only are you hiding, you're ignoring me." I kept my hair tied back while I finished up my morning routine. "Wow. I think I like it." Oh man. Now it's really in the open. I told Steph my thoughts. She smiled at me the same way she smiled every other time I brought up.

Saturday morning, I was writing and reading. I've slowly been going through the book Captivating and Saturday I read another chapter. Just reading the title shook me. "Beauty to Unveil". I knew God would punch me in the gut with it. I read through the first few pages. I felt as if I was treading water through an ocean. Starting out great, and getting slower and slower and slower. Until finally, I was sinking. Drowning. Drowned. My insides felt like they had been ripped out by an unfriendly hand. I wrote down my prayer requests for Stephanie, one of them including "I want to be beautiful like God sees me."

Over lunch, Stephanie and I started talking about it. Her and Audrey had just talked about it too. I have no idea what beauty looks like to God. I have no clue.
I spend all my time making other people see their beauty. As a photographer, I see how beautiful each and every person is. But somewhere in here, have I lost my own sense of beauty? I don't have the time to see it. I never thought of it as a neccessity. All I know is the world's standard of beauty. Beautiful gets you in such a big mess, according to the world. But as a woman of God, I am beautiful. As they said in Captivating, "Beauty is core to a woman-who she is and what she longs to be-and one of the most glorious wats we bear the image of God in a broken and often ugly world."

I finished my lunch, and sat down in Stephanie's hair chair. "I think we need to cut off my hair." Tears began to well up in my eyes. They began to fall. And pour. Stephanie came over, held me in her arms. She pulled up my head, looked at me in the face and said, "You are beautiful." "We need to do this now, before I lose my nerve....if you have time." She pulled out her scissors, put a cape around my neck, and started cutting.

I thought that this would be it.

Here I am, three days later. I'm tired, I'm overwhelmed, and I'm on the verge of cranky.
My hair is gone. And we still need to cut off more. I'm sick at the thought of it. I feel like crying and just pulling it all out. But I have to remember-this is not about me.
This is about Him. Teaching me.
I still have too much to hide behind. This is safe. I have too much that is still allowing me to hide beneath. I want to see beauty in myself. Not this stupid head of hair that is all I see. God wants something more from me. All I hear is what other people are saying to me. I don't want to hear it.
This. Is. Not. About. Me.
Other people look at me and see outer beauty. I can't tell you how many times the only thing I hear from people is, "You have such beautiful hair." I get it. But when was the last time I heard something about myself as a person.
I want to be more than a head of hair.
Not only this.
God wants me to be more than a head of hair.
I am made in the image of God. God created me a woman so that people would see His beauty. And yet, when I look i the mirror, I hate the face looking back at me. I have nothing wrong with myself. I love the woman God is making me into. But what I don't like is this head of hair I am using to be beautiful. My hair is my safety net-my hair is exactly what I'm using to hide the rest of me. When someone sees me, they see a beautiful person because of my hair.
I long for more.
God longs for more of me.
There's still so much I need to learn.
But one thing I do know-I am going to be beautiful. I am not going to see it from other people, I am going to see it from God. He will show me how I am beautiful. And I will know His definition of beautiful.
I'm frusturated. I'm freaking out. I'm a mess.
But it's going to be worth it.


xomichaela said...

I feel like that, too- how I spend so much time trying to make people see their beauty, but I miss my own in the process. You did and do have beautiful hair, yes, but I couldn't care less if you were bald. You would still be one of the most beautiful people I have EVER, EVER met. You're fun, you're sweet, thoughtful, you're smart, you're inspiring, you're so many things to me and to everyone around you.

I'm proud of you for doing this, by the way. I don't know. I hope you can understand why.

Zachary said...

Melody, I have always seen beauty in you and I believe your inner beauty shines brighter than your physical appearance, though you are extremely beautiful on the outside it still is blotted out by your extraordinary intelligence and personality. I hope you achieve what is humanly possible in your goals and wish you luck.

Na-homie said...

Yours is one of the most beautiful souls I've met so far!
I'm glad you keep on learning and listening and longing for more.

...and I hope you get to come down to Texas and visit me. :)

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