Monday, February 8, 2010

Cold Souls

Tonight we watched "Cold Souls".
Basically, a man (Paul Giamatti), is a starving actor, trying to get better. He's putting too much "soul" into his character, and doesn't want that to happen. He comes across an ad ("Is your soul weighing you down? Think about Soul Storage!") and decides to store his soul.
He goes to the place, and the doctor tells him this is exactly what he needs. He hands him a pair of goggles, and says, "You can even look inside, if that's what you want."
Paul gets a look of horror on his face, and tosses the goggles back. "No, oh no, I don't want to look!" the doctor says, "Well, it's an option if you want it." And Paul looks at him with sincere disgust. Saying in his eyes exactly what he said, "I don't want to look inside."

This got me thinking. My soul is probably a really gross place for the most part. In the movie, when his soul is removed, it continues to be compared to a "chickpea", which, is extremely small. I know people whose souls are probably the size of a chickpea. But what is the size of mine? Is my soul any better than theirs?
Oh no, no no, completely not.
Thinking about this, what would I do in a situation such as this? If someone gave me goggles to see what my soul looked like-would I be repulsed, and say, "Why would I want to do something like that?" or, would I accept the goggles, and search for the inner parts of who I am. My soul.

Thinking on this further. God sees our souls. God knows the deepest parts of our souls. He knows how big our souls are, and how small. He knows the color-"You'd think some would be rainbow colored. But no, they often come in blacks, browns, grays-yes, there are many grays."
My soul is not hidden. Some day, I will be judged for exactly that. I am a human. I used to live my life as a rebellious God-hater. A rebellious God-hater. God is bigger than this. There are no ends for God's love and grace and mercy. And so, although my soul was something that was probably half the size of a chickpea, and blacker than the deepest black, I have been renewed.
God revealed Himself to me. And I took his hand, and chose to follow along his path.

Near the end of the movie, Paul is faced with the goggles yet again. "Your soul is resisting-you must look inside to reconnect to it."

Pause the movie, come back to real life, and go back about four months.
I received Christ as my savior a year ago last August. And yet, four months ago, I was sinking into yet another pit of darkness. "Your soul is resisting." I was not finished. I was not ready. I was not accepting. Satan deceived me SO many times- showing me Bible verses that he had manipulated and showed me "This is okay" when God was still there tugging and pulling, "This is not who you are meant to be. Come back to me. Come back to me."
Until that night at Stephanie's house, I had not taken a good look at my soul. I would have looked at someone the same way that Paul did the first time-repulse, disgust, and yet, curiosity. But I would not have looked. Until Steph's house, I was unwilling to see inside of myself, in order to connect yet again with Jesus Christ.

Back to the movie.
Paul puts on the goggles, basically by force, and lays down into the shoot. They push him in, his hands shaking, and he closes his eyes.
A white room, "I knew it." he said. "Nothing's here," you can imagine his mind saying. And yet, once he looked further, he opened some doors, and found things that hurt, but things that he would not be himself without. It ended with a start-too soon it seems. He comes out from the shoot, and pulls the goggles off of his face. His eyes are red and tears are stuck underneath his eyes. Silence.

Back to four months ago.
I took a look inside of myself. I saw who I was. It hurt. It hurt to see that I had sunken into this mess of thick black tar, and I was unable to even realize that it was happening. I was in a completely dark place.
Surface looking at my soul, I saw nothing. Absolutely nothing. I was worthless.
But it was because of God's simple reminder, that I was able to open some hidden doors, and find things. Broken things. Messed up things. Sinful things. Rebellious things. But I also found something more-
The Holy Spirit.

I am a broken, disgusting, sinful human being.
And yet because I chose to live a life walking side by side with Jesus, He chose to place the Holy Spirit inside of my heart and inside of my soul.
I did not change on my own. The Holy Spirit showed me that I was sinking. And guess what He did.
He pulled me out. He grabbed my hand, and pulled me completely from this mess of tar I was stuck in. Being out of it, I am able to see the thick pit that continues to call my name.
But it is because of Jesus' death that I am able to hold onto the Holy Spirit's hand and do everything that I can to not jump in head first into that pit.

I am not a perfect person. I never will be a perfect person. I will never attempt to be a perfect person. But I know that because I am imperfect, God sent His only son to die for me, and He was able to forgive me for every single time I even poked my toe into that pit of tar.

My soul is still ugly. I am sure of it, because I am sinful.
But God looks at my soul, and sees purity, because He has wiped away every sin.

I am forgiven.


Joel Helzer said...

So good! Thanks for sharing.

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